Trampolines - Uses As Adults.

I would like for someone to buy me a trampoline.  NO, seriously.  Can you imagine the things you can do on a trampoline as an adult?!  I can.  I did some crazy things on trampolines as a child.  Now that I am older and am much more frail, I can choose things to do that will not injure me but, IMPROVE MY QUALITY OF LIFE.

Things adults can do on trampolines that kids cant...or shouldnt:

• Beat your children

HEAR ME OUT-  I am not an advocate of child abuse and anyone that knows me is aware of that.  The rest of you will have to believe me.  heh.  With the use of a trampoline you can throw your child to the "ground" like you have always wanted to and it will actually be therapeutic to BOTH of you.  When did a belt, switch, boot, broomstick or bucket of water ever do THAT while providing discipline?!?!  Fucking never.  That's when.

• Sleep.

Now, anyone that grew up with me knows that when we tried to "sleep" on the trampline on those warm Tennessee summer nights, we typically ended up beating the shit out of eachother until the wee hours of the morning.  We had two futon matresses and a fucking gaggle of pillows.  Nobody fucking slept.  However, now that I am older, married, have a child and a need to get the hell away from it all - I could actually lock myself out of the house and sleep on the trampoline.  ACTUALLY SLEEP.  Sleep without getting kicked in the balls by my two year old and with the luxury of the "wildlife" around me.  Fucking epic.  Also, I could jump up and down randomly without waking anyone up.  Bonus.

This will be continued as soon as I have time.

Things I Hope Are Not My Last Words

So, in light of the passing of the wonderfully innovative Steve Jobs I figured it would be prudent to figure out what I would like to avoid saying on my deathbed in the last moments... This should be painless.

• Top Gun was an amazing film.
• Mommy, can I have some more breast milk?
• NOT IN THAT HOLE (?)
• In my life I have loved two things... my wife... and curling in the nude
• Please, just once... put on that one porno we used to watch in candlelight (stares at preacher)
• IF I DONT RUB IT NOW -  IT WILL BLOW UP
• This pudding is fantastic (diaper on face)
• I ride on a chariot with the Gods... and tonight... we paint the citadel with feces.
• KAHN!!!!
• That one time... I only held his penis for a moment. 

...This went in several wrong directions.  Unintentionally heavy poo theme.  I do not apologize!

Better Than Sarah Jessica Parker

This is a list of things I like better than or find more appealing than Sarah Jessica Parker.  You are welcome.

• Eating lightbulbs
• Playing chicken on I25 in Denver
• Making love to mud
• Having bricks dropped on my face from a 20 story building
• Rosie O'Donnell
• Aids
• Leftover sushi
• Gnawing on moving tires
• Jail

I'm sure i'll come up with more but in the meantime, NEIGH.